Six Key Strategies to Disrupt Your Victim Habits | Ep. 67

Okay, you spotted the victim habit. Now what? 

If you listened to episode 66 and thought, "that is me,” this is your next step.

If you have been in divorce stress, family conflict, or a rough life season, it is so easy to slip into patterns that keep you stuck, right? Not because you’re weak. Because your brain is trying to protect you. But protection and progress are not the same thing.

In this episode, I walk you through the ways you can disrupt the victim habits that are holding you back. These shifts in your thinking help you get your footing back (yes!), change the pattern, and start moving forward again…. without having to overhaul your whole life overnight.

Want to get out of your own way? We talk about:

• How to spot the moment you are sliding into an old pattern
• The small changes that create momentum… fast
• Why your environment and your inner circle matter more than people realize
• What to do when you know better but still keep doing the same thing
• A mindset shift that helps you stop beating yourself up and start taking action

RESOURCES

MEDIATION STARTER GUIDE: https://mailchi.mp/2939c428981d/mediation-resources
KELLY'S BOOK: Victim Is Not Your Name https://a.co/d/e4VguRk
AMEN CLINICS: (Dr. Daniel Amen): https://www.amenclinics.com
BOOK MENTIONED: Resilient, Rick Hanson PhD https://a.co/d/05blH36P
LEGAL & MEDIATION HELP: https://saperelawfirm.com
INSTAGRAM: https://instagram.com/saperelawfirm
FACEBOOK: https://facebook.com/saperelawfirm

Transcript

1:17

Well, hey, welcome back to the Splitting Smart Podcast. Today we are continuing our discussion about victim habit. And how to disrupt them. The last episode, if you didn't catch it, you're going to want to go back and look at it because this is the part two to that episode where we looked for a moment at this book I wrote called Victim is Not Your Name. Which is about helping you not identify yourself permanently as a victim when bad traumatic things happen to you, particularly family law issues, divorce, breakups, things of that nature, and even more catastrophic things. This is about how to not let those things define you and slide into what I call the six victim habits, and then there are six strategies for disrupting those victim habits so you can replace those patterns of behavior with new behaviors to get you out of the victim mode and on the path to remembering who you really are, rediscovering your true identity and 'cause it's not being a victim, no matter what has happened to you. The link to the book, if you'd like to pick it up, is in the show notes and it's on Amazon. All you have to do is Google Victim Is Not Your Name. Today we're looking at concepts that if you have the book, you'll want to follow along. This is out of chapter nine, where we're talking about the six disruptors to victim habits. But first let's do a recap of what those six victim habits are in case you hadn't seen the prior episode. I'm just going to list 'em here. So you're going to want to pick up the book. And go back and listen to the last episode so you really have a complete understanding of what we're talking about here.

So the six primary victim habits are: 3:04

one, the cheap thrill of attention. Where in recounting what trauma has happened to you, to friends and family, and garnering a lot of empathy and support. We want to live there and we become addicted to that attention. Number two is self-imposed helplessness. This is where no matter what the path forward is, no matter what solutions are presented, you find a reason why those can't possibly work for you. And what that does is it, it keeps you in a state of helplessness. That's self-imposed helplessness, playing small, being afraid to take risks to grow and get onto the next level. Sometimes we get really comfortable in the victim mode and all of a sudden we're risk averse that's playing small and not seeking out bigger and better opportunities because we're afraid of change or the risk that's involved. Next is get them before they get you. This is where you are afraid of intimacy. You look at vulnerability as weakness and you keep people away. A lot of us have been there where we've said it one time or another, I'm never going to let somebody get that close to me again because I don't want to be hurt like that again. That's a good example of get them before they get you and you become a little gruff and hard to get along with, once somebody starts to come too close in a relationship. And then the fifth one we have is the blame game. No personal accountability for the results in your own life. It is always somebody else's fault or a circumstance's fault, and that you can't live there for very long because you just, you stay stuck. And then the last one is. The victim habit of can't say no, no boundaries. This is the people pleaser. Somebody who is afraid of saying no and says yes to everybody and everything, every request, regardless of whether it's viable or not, regardless of how exhausted you are because you're seeking affirmation and love and approval from other people. Those are the six victim habits. So today I want to talk to you about the six disruptors that can basically jerk a knot in your tail and help you get out of these victim habits. These are strategies that will help you disrupt those negative patterns and reclaim your own empowerment. This is what it's really about. All right, so let's jump into disruptor number one. This is all about transforming your environment. Disruptor number one is transform your environment. Well, you know, the role of physical space in connection with shaping your mental clarity and focus is huge. Notice what's happened when you walk into an office or a house, your home, a bedroom that is completely in order is neat and clean. It's organized. You can find everything. How do you feel when you walk into a room like that? Versus when you walk into a room, maybe you've had a long day at work and you come home, and if you've got children that are messy and they've made a whole mess of the kitchen and there's dishes everywhere piled up in the sink and you're exhausted, how does that make you feel? Pretty cruddy, right? It sucks just the energy out of the room. So the role of your physical space on your mental clarity and on your focus, your ability to focus on hard things and good things and productive things, and challenges and opportunities. It really gets suppressed when you are in a physical environment that doesn't support that good feeling of empowerment and control. So this is about cleaning up your act. Don't accept a messy environment. What are your action steps on this? Well, this is common sense, declutter, organize, create a supportive home and work environment. If you have a nice clean office, don't allow your home to be that way. Just remember what that feels like to be in a controlled, clean environment. And if you've got a bunch of kids, start teaching them as well because this will help them feel better about themselves. Marie Condo really became popular for her decluttering and organizing method. The Con Marie Method, which was Marie Kondo was very popular. And the reason it became so popular is because people started discovering the joy that comes in releasing items out of their lives and having a good, organized environment. There's a reason Marie Kondo became so famous and then we've seen on all of our home shows that the organizing shows and the decluttering shows and on social media is very popular. Bet you Amazon, a huge piece of Amazon's business is in all of their home organization tools that they sell, and I know that becomes so popular on social media. There's good reason for it because when you transform your environment, it helps you disrupt these victim habits that have been going on. It's hard to maintain them in a nice, controlled, clean environment where all of a sudden you start to feel more empowered. Okay. Let's move on to disruptor number two. This one's called Get moving. What is get moving? Well, you know where I'm going with this. I bet this is all about physical movement. Well, when we get into the victim habits, it is very common that hand in hand, lethargy comes with it, depression comes with it, fatigue comes with it. This is the kind of thing that can easily be disrupted, even by just briefly taking a walk down to the mailbox and back. And then the next time you go out again, go a few steps further and down to the end of the block and then around the block. Start moving, start walking. Stop sitting and being sedentary. Physical movement combats lethargy, and it truly resets your mind. Start practicing it. Duke University did a huge study a number of years ago on exercise and the amount of impact it had on reducing severe symptoms of depression. The evidence is there on the physical benefits to your mind. And your mind is the game to win here when it comes to victim habits. So do me a favor. I challenge you for the next seven days, 14 days. Commit to daily movement, even if it's just 10 minutes of walking. This will help shift your mental energy. And as you walk, I want you to start noticing how you're feeling and after you get back from your movement, whether it's going back to the gym, I just say start small, something that is sustainable. So just start walking 10 minutes a day. When you get back from that walk, kind of rest for a minute and notice over the next 15 to 30 minutes how you feel and how you are perceiving things. I think you're going to notice the clouds starting to part quite a bit, and mental clarity is really key to disrupting these victim habits. Okay, number three. Okay, this is a biggie. There's been a lot on this over the years. I think this is one of the most interesting areas in the sciences, and it's all about rewiring your brain. There is so much study on brain health. I know Dr. Daniel Amen from the Amen clinics. He's out of Orange County, California. He's become internationally known now. He was the first psychiatrist, who started to do brain imaging before treating a brain from a psych psychiatric point of view, because his philosophy was in psychiatry, we're treating an organ, we're the only discipline that treats an organ that we never even look at. And so in his research, the amazing information on what the brain does, how you can retrain it, how you can treat it properly has been really astounding. And this is the kind of thing that is so helpful and we'll put a link to the Amen Clinics in Dr. Amen's work in the show notes here, but it's, it's impactful because this is the kind of stuff that busts up these victim habits and helps you replace those habits with better patterns of behavior that gets you the results you want. Neuroplasticity, the research in this area of neuroplasticity has been astounding over the years. What is it? Well, neuroplasticity is the ability to create new, positive thought patterns in your brain. This is resetting it and you truly can do it. This is not heebie jeebie stuff, this is scientifically proven. So here's some key strategies and, and let me back up for a minute. Why does your brain default to deep negative thought patterns? Well, this is something called negativity bias. You know, our brains are designed to, in caveman days, protect us from danger. That's why sometimes if, you know, a car cuts you off and almost crashes into you, you get the shot of adrenaline and your brain all of a sudden is scanning for all threats. Negativity bias is our default, where our brain, whether you're conscious of or not, is constantly scanning for threats to protect you. Well, these days in civilized society, not many of us truly encounter regular threats on a daily basis, but our brains still operate that way. And what we see this translating to these days is there's a tendency to, in any situation, automatically be able to pick out the gaps or the negative pieces of a situation without seeing any of the gains or the positives. It's our default. Well after, a lot of time goes by where you have practiced that or let your brain do that by default when there truly is no real threat to you, that's what your brain's looking for. Right? The caveman brain is looking for real threats to protect you. Well, you get into this habit of constantly seeing the negative in things. And so what they found in neuroplasticity research is that you can engage in certain practices that will help rewire your brain from constantly scanning for the negatives, for focusing on the gaps, to focusing on the gains. It's just a practice. So one way you can do that is by spending time every day intentionally. This is like carved out time that you say, okay, I'm going to intentionally focus on positive experiences. This might look like. All right. What happened yesterday, that was good. I'm going to find three positive things that I experienced yesterday, and it sounds so simple and it really is, but it's a practice that's done over time. And what you're doing is you're saying today in these moments, we're going to focus on the positive experience I had yesterday, and they are there. And if you've really been entrenched in the negativity bias it might take you a little time. Maybe you only come up with one for the day, for the prior day, but as time goes on and you exercise that muscle, it'll get better and better. Also, using gratitude practices to train your brain to notice good things, I'm so thankful for... it can be the most simple things in the world. I'm so thankful for the fact that I had a bed to sleep in last night and I had a blanket to put on me. I'm so thankful that I had a house to come home to, right? I'm so thankful that I have children that are thriving. Whatever it is, from the smallest practice it and pretty soon you'll be able to start being grateful for more and more things because you'll start noticing them. There is a book by Dr. Rick Hanson. It's called Resilient. Resilient. We'll link to that in the show notes as well, but his book is really interesting on this entire concept of rewiring your brain and building its inner strength through neuroplasticity. I really encourage you to take a look at this because think about it. When you rewire your brain to focus on more positive experiences, which then give you the steam and the fuel and the confidence to, and the hopefulness really to jump back into life and look for opportunities. You can't really sustain a lot of these victim habits when you are in this new mindset, so that's why it's so important. So please take a look at rewiring your brain through neuroplasticity. Alright, disruptor number four. Rebuild your inner circle. Oh, this is a big one. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a strong inner circle. It doesn't have to be a big inner circle, but if you haven't surrounded yourself with supportive, inspiring, successful common sense people, then it is time to look at rebuilding that inner circle. Now, I want to challenge you. Evaluate the inner circle you have right now. Oh, you have one. You might not think you have one, but who are the people that you let in on the most intimate moments of your life? Who are the people that you solicit their opinion on a regular basis? Or maybe they give it to you whether you want it or not. Who are those people who are in your life on a regular basis and they're close to you? I would argue to you that those people should not be there just by whim. That they should be there very intentionally. Your inner circle is your biggest area of influence on you, and you need to be very careful about who's in it because if you're not careful, you'll find yourself with a few people in your inner circle who are actually perpetuating and helping you stay in these really negative, unproductive victim habits. And you know, if you've been through a divorce, if you've been through some kind of trauma, serious illness, some really big life challenges, do yourself a favor. You deserve to be out of these victim habits because I'm here to tell you. There's a big life and a big world waiting for you, but a lot of it depends on your mindset and you deciding. So I'm hoping you'll decide. Rebuild your inner circle, make sure people deserve to be there. Now, how do you evaluate them? I give you a whole list of questions and ways to evaluate them in victim is not your name, but here's the most simple approach. Are they uplifting to you or are they draining? Do they wallow in, in the drama and thrive and they want to talk and commiserate with you about how horrible your exes and how horrible these people are, and stay in the negative. They shouldn't be there at all, right? Because what are they adding? Are they uplifting? Are they giving you sage advice, common sense advice, not cray cray advice. Are they successful people? What kind of relationships do they have? How are they doing in their careers? How do they treat other people? How do they treat themselves? Be really critical of your inner circle. It's okay to have some acquaintances, but don't let the negative nellie's and the toxic folks be privy to you. They don't deserve that, right? You deserve better. Alright, what do you want to look for in that inner circle? Honesty. Emotional intelligence. And the biggest one, are they adding value? Truly adding value. Rolling into disruptor number five. This one is all about practicing gentleness. I want you to master practicing gentleness. This is about cultivating a spirit of kindness, not just towards other people. Yes, towards other people. That's important, but also toward yourself. You know, people who are in that get them before they get me mode. That victim habit in particular, they're often very critical of other people and they're not very nice. Not everybody, but often. Folks who are in that victim habit in particular tend to have a big challenge practicing kindness. And usually I found in life and in the many, many people that I've helped through conflict, that the people who are the ugliest, the angriest, the most critical, judgmental, and harsh towards other people are the harshest on themselves. And that's hard to recognize in the moment when you're dealing with somebody 'cause it doesn't feel very good to be in their cross hairs. So practicing gentleness, cultivating that spirit of kindness towards yourself first will help you be kind and gentle towards others. Now, one way you start to practice gentleness is mastering your self-talk. Okay? Because mastering your self-talk, how you talk to yourself about yourself and others is all about disrupting critical thinking patterns. Because before you talk, it starts up here. And so if you've mastered the thinking patterns, right, just what we talked about in the rewiring the brain and learning about neuroplasticity and how that works, that helps you turn the self-talk around. You have negative self-talk you know how that goes. Usually self-talk is so ingrained that it comes out without you even thinking about it. How often do you call yourself stupid or an idiot, or, I'm so dumb, I wasn't thinking, watch that, because your words matter. They truly do because you are directing your brain towards the negative. So, use self-talk to impact your ability to disrupt harsh, critical patterns of thinking. Now, I want you to do a little exercise, if you will, after this podcast is over, and that is replace your negative self labels. I'm so stupid. I'm an idiot. Oh my God, I can't believe that, that I did that. That was so dumb. Those are all labels that you're giving yourself. Now, I don't think you'd let your children talk about themselves that way, would you? If you hear it, you better interrupt. It is so important. If there's somebody that you love more than anyone in the world, maybe it's your spouse, your boyfriend, girlfriend, your children, and you heard someone else talking to them that way and putting those labels on them, would you think that's okay? I'm going to bet you wouldn't. So why are you tolerating it with yourself? So write down all the negative self labels that you give yourself, and I want you to write down something that is a positive affirmation that reflects your growth and your resilience, and call yourself that next time. If you catch yourself, calling yourself an idiot, stop and say, no, I'm not an idiot. I'm an intelligent, bright, motivated woman. Whatever it is that works for you. Disruptor number six is leverage redemptive pain. This is the concept of taking personal pain that you've experienced and, once you've worked your way through it, start using that pain and turn it into a tool to help other people. You know, this is the concept you see in Alcoholics Ano Anonymous, where they have sponsors or they have group meetings because they are taking the pain of others and encouraging them to be able to turn around and encourage and help one another, especially the sponsors. Maybe you've gone through a bout with a very serious illness. Are you helping others after you've gotten through it or as you're going through it? That may be just starting that journey. Who might be standing in that place you were in six months, a year ago, two years ago, of loneliness and fear and uncertainty? Leveraging redemptive pain can be incredibly healing. It's really hard to stay in your victim habits when you take that pain and you start to turn it into a tool. This might be as simple as sharing experiences with others in order to uplift them and guide them when they're at that beginning of facing similar struggles. And here, when we're leveraging redemptive pain in order to get from the pain place into the, this is a tool I'm going to use for good place. Usually in that in-between space in order to get from A to B, there's this concept called forgiveness. Forgiveness is a step towards releasing bitterness, and it's really hard to become a force for good and turn the pain into a tool to help other people if you're still harboring bitterness. This is about redirecting that energy positively. So we can't really get from taking all that pain and trauma and moving it over here into a positive tool to help somebody else who's going through the same thing, unless we've done some of that inside work on forgiveness to release bitterness. I do talk quite a bit in this book on forgiveness. The chapter on forgiveness here is my favorite piece of Victim Is Not Your Name. It's chapter 10, and it's the forgiveness factor. This isn't about being a doormat, it's not being a pushover. It's about giving yourself the greatest gift you can give yourself in the midst of life challenges. All right. Well, those are the six disruptors to those victim habits, and I challenge you. Pick one of those disruptors. Don't have to do 'em all. Right? Everybody's had something happen. Okay? And if you've had something particularly challenging, traumatizing, give it a whirl. Would you please? Just pick one of the disruptors and practices it this week, just give it a try. And it's called a practice. I didn't say master it this week. I said practice it this week. And that's just put it into play. And you'll probably have to keep doing it over and over because it's called practicing. And you'll get better and better at it. And I'd love for you to take that experience after a week of practicing one of these six disruptors. And share it with somebody that you love and trust to share that with. Even better if you're willing to be bold, you don't have to get into all the details, but we would love the feedback from you. Leave a comment here, in the show. You can leave it on the YouTube channel if that's where you're watching. You can send me a comment, but I'd love your feedback on how that went for you and which one you tried and what you noticed. All right. The victim habits don't have to be a life sentence. They really don't. You really deserve to move past all of that and into the joy of discovering who you really are and get back to your true identity, the identity that was you be before all this trauma and challenge happened, and disappointments. Alright friends, well that's all for now. So until next time, I want you to remember, resolve with intelligence and split smart. We'll see you next time.