You Can Master Those Tough Conversations: Tips for Communicating in Conflict | Ep 63

You can’t control how they’ll react, but you can control how you show up. 

This episode is about getting grounded, staying calm, and making those hard conversations a little less painful... and a lot more productive. 

When conflict flares up, the way you communicate can either move things forward or make them worse. I’m sharing the same tools I teach my clients—and use myself—to help navigate emotional conversations with more clarity and less chaos. Whether it’s your ex, your co-parent, or your boss, there is a better way. 

You’ll hear a clip from my video guide, How to Talk to Your Ex About Mediation. And while this isn’t about mediation specifically, the same steps and language apply to any tough conversation, especially when emotions are high and the outcome really matters. 

We’re digging into: 

• Why your emotional state before the conversation matters most 
• How to set a non-confrontational tone without triggering the other person 
• The power of neutral language, and why accusations backfire 
• What not to say if you want to avoid defensiveness and dead ends 
• Why pressure and ultimatums never get you what you want 
• How to use scripts to prepare for difficult talks without sounding robotic 
• The surprising upside of conflict (yes, there is one) 

If you’ve got a hard conversation coming up—or one you’ve been avoiding—this episode will help you get grounded, clear, and confident before you speak. 

RESOURCES 

Download Mediation Guide & Video: How to Talk to Your Ex About Mediation
Kelly’s Book: Victim Is Not Your Name – https://a.co/d/e4VguRk
Legal & Mediation Help: Sapere Law & Mediation - https://saperelawfirm.com
 Instagram: @saperelawfirm
Facebook: @saperelawfirm 

Transcript

1:16

Hey there. In this episode I'm taking you into an excerpt from a little freebie that I developed called How to Talk To Your Ex About Mediation. Now, this episode isn't about mediation, but what I get asked a lot is how do I have productive communications or difficult communications when I'm in conflict with somebody. How do I have a difficult conversation? What are some tips and tools to use so that we don't just devolve back into bickering and fighting and arguing? When I created this tool on how to approach your ex about maybe going to divorce mediation instead of court, I did an entire segment on how to approach that person in a way that deescalates the conflict and allows you to focus on a solution. And in this case, the solution proposed would be mediation.. So I'm going to jump into this clip for you right now and just remember that I'm talking to folks in the context of how to talk to your ex about going to divorce mediation instead of court. But here's what I want you to listen to. In this excerpt I'm going to tell you about the importance of tone and your mental and your physical state in entering into those kind of conversation. The other thing I'm going to talk about and I want you to listen for is focusing on the mutual benefits of the proposed solution. So whatever the multiple solutions your brainstorming might be, this is all about focusing on the mutual benefits, and not on other non-productive things. And you'll hear me get into that. The other piece is I talk about neutralize and reframe. Neutralize the facts and the the story if you will, and reframe the problem. And you'll hear me give you tips on what that means and how you do that. And then the other two things you're going to hear about is what not to say in these difficult conversations that you're having with somebody that you've got a dispute with. The things that you ought not ever to say or do in making those approach and the use of scripts. You're thinking, what do you mean scripts? Well, here in the context of the audio you're about to hear, the piece you're about to hear. This freebie that I developed for people who are wanting to see if they can get their spouse to consider mediation instead of court. I provide text, email, and phone scripts as samples of how to start the conversation. Now, what does that have to do with you and talking to somebody that you're in conflict with? Well, you'll hear me talk about the value of using scripts at least as a starting place for you to kind of wrap your brain around, how am I going to do this? How am I going to start talking about this? So you'll hear about the value of them and think about how you might use something very similar if you are on the fence about talking to somebody about something really hard. Sometimes the scripts can help. And here you would want to write them for yourself in advance. So, alright, without further ado, enjoy this excerpt from How to Talk to Your Ex About Divorce Mediation. First of all, I want you to set the right tone, okay? So you've been in some conflict with the other side. And what happens when we get into conflict is we get into accusations, the blame game, just angry words, fighting words. This is not that conversation you want to have. Here you really want to set a good positive tone. So start with being calm and non-confrontational. Calm and non-confrontational. Now, sometimes that's hard to do when you feel like you get triggered, right? Sometimes people say, she pushes my buttons or he pushes my buttons. No, you allow your buttons to be pushed, so you're not going to get triggered. You're going to decide what state of mind, in order to have a really good conversation about exploring the mediation option, do I need to be in to go into this conversation or to start, even if you start it over email and text. Okay? I encourage you if you start the convo over email and text, don't have the whole conversation via email and text because we know how far off in the ditch and fast email and texting can go. So maybe introduce it via email and text, but then see if you can have a decent conversation as you go into the emailing and text intro and into a conversation, what state of mind will best serve you? It's going to be a calm and non-confrontational state of mind, so you want to remind yourself of that. Okay? So that's the first tip there. The second one is, as you have the conversations and the text messages or the emails, you want to focus on the mutual benefits that mediation offers to both you and your ex. And if you have kids and your children. There's a set of a third party here, and those are kids, if we've got kids here. You're going to hear more about the mutual benefits, but right off the top, we know what they are, right? Time. Money. Hey, you don't need to be spending your college, your kids' college education or your retirement on a protracted litigation. No one wins. It should be you and your ex and your children that get to enjoy all of the fruits of your hard work and your assets and things that you've gathered over the years. So those are mutual benefits. Time is another one. Being able to move on with your lives. Nobody wants to wallow in conflict for extended periods of time. It's very distracting and it's stressful. And then the privacy piece of this. You will be airing your very private matters in a very public forum. So focus on the mutual benefits as you are discussing this option with your X. Okay? Now this is a big one. Neutralize. And as you talk about this, neutralize the conversation. Only talk about facts. Don't get into opinions and accusations. And what do I mean, by that? Neutralizing and reframing the conversation is something that as a mediator, we're masters at. You won't hear us taking sides. You won't hear us getting all upset and mind reading. I call it mind reading. You just want to, or you don't care about. We're not going to talk about things like that. We're only going to stick to facts. Hey, I learned about this option called divorce mediation, and based on what I see, the facts are that it's done a lot faster. And a lot less expensive, and gives us more options as far as a creative solution to our situation. Would you like to explore it with me? Okay. Versus you don't want to say, if you get an attorney, it's just going to run up all of our fees and it's going to take forever and you're going to put us in the poor house. You don't want to go down that road. Calm, non-confrontational. Focus on the mutual benefits and neutralize the conversation where you only talk about the facts. What we know for sure. Okay, so that'll keep you out of an argument. Now, what not to say. Avoid at all costs pressuring the other side. Or criticizing the other side. If they have a hesitation or express doubt about mediation, that's okay. They need to come to it on their own and do their own exploring. When you pressure someone... This sounds like a funny analogy, but I'm going to give it to you. It's very similar to how we do behavioral training with dogs, right? So if you have a dog and they're pulling on the leash and you pull back, all the pressure and the pulling creates more resistance. So when you pressure somebody, the natural human response to pressuring is resistance, pushing back. Okay, so you don't want to be pressuring. That's not going to get you what you want, and you don't want to criticize them for having doubts or wanting to take a little more time. Okay? Now, the other thing is, please avoid threats, ultimatums, or implying blame here. Okay, ultimatums and threats. Are really two of the same animal, okay? Threats. If you don't go to mediation and I have to hire an attorney, I'm going to make sure that you don't get a penny and are out on the street. You wouldn't do that or you wouldn't be exploring mediation, I would hope. But you can imagine threats. Again, you're going to get the resistance, right? Or ultimatums. Same thing you have until next Friday to agree to mediation or it's off the table forever and I'm going to go launch a Holy War against you down at the courthouse. See that's a threat as well. I want you to think about ultimatums in your relationships. They don't work. Ever. Think about a time that you may have issued or laid down an ultimatum to somebody. Even if they capitulated, you probably didn't get the full result that you were looking for, and my guess is whatever the result wasn't productive. They just don't work. So don't go there and don't imply blame. This is all your fault. We wouldn't be in this position if you hadn't had an affair or if you had you know, whatever, just make the list, right? None of that is going to get somebody to want to go, oh wait, there really truly is an option that is beneficial to all of us. Your threats aren't going to get them there. And by the way, threats, even if somebody were to go to mediation because you threatened them, what you are doing is you're setting up a situation where you probably won't get an agreement because they get to the table and they're under threat and they're not participating fully. Or if you do get to an agreement, it falls apart really quickly because people are there under pressure and under threat. Again, in Is Mediation Right For Me, I talk about this in a little more detail, so don't go there and don't frame mediation please as a way to win or gain an advantage. Let's say you get into some good conversations about the mediation option with your ex. As you get into the conversations, what you don't want to do is say, you know what? I know that when we get to mediation, that mediator's going to tell you how wrong you are, and I'll be the winner. You don't want to have any kind of a conversation like that because now you're tainting the mediator in that other party's mind. We are neutral. Okay? We are Switzerland. We are going to help you come to a resolution. We're going to help you navigate really hard conversations as a mediator, but what you don't want to do is create the impression of alignment of the mediator with you. Because that compromises the perception of neutrality. And now you undermine the trust that the other party has in the process and in the mediation. So you don't want that because that can undermine your entire mediation process and getting the results that you're after. Okay, so in the document that comes with this video, there are two things. First of all, there are sample scripts. I've given you an email script, a text message script, as well as a phone script. Now, the advantage of pre-prepared, pre-done statements is you, if you do an email, you can block and copy the text in the email, right off. That's why we give this to you in a Word document and send it right out. No problem with that. I'd recommend maybe personalizing it a little bit. You're going to have a phone script. You don't want to read the phone script. What you want to do is read it over, practice it a little bit, get the general gist of it, and use the phraseology there. But be open and don't be rote about it. Okay? The scripts are very helpful because it helps you, again, to set your own mindset about what state do I want to be in to have a really productive conversation. I want to be in a calm, centered, and non-confrontational state. If you have to use the words word for word, like in the phone script, okay. Use them, whatever works, because the point is. You want to get the consideration for this wonderful alternative before the other party. Did you learn something? I'll bet you did. You're hearing some mediator insights and some tips and tricks that we use when we've got two parties in the room who are in conflict, and we're the monkey in the middle by choice. We love being the monkey in the middle. But think about the next conversation you need to have with someone where there's some tension, there's a little conflict. Think about your tone. Think about focusing on the mutual benefits of either some proposed solutions, and by the way, when you come up with proposed solutions to start talking about how you're going to resolve whatever the conflict is, my advice to you is, come up with more than two because when you only have two results or two possibilities, it's either this or it's that. There's something that happens in the brain when we're only given two options that creates some polarization oftentimes. So you're way better off and much more likely to get to "yes", if you will, if you've got at least three, if not four or five options. Okay. They don't all have to be super viable options, but you want to have some other things to consider and work along. And sometimes you'll find a hybrid of those multiple options is where the answer lies. So focus on the mutual benefits. If you're not in a place where you're proposing solutions or able to talk about that yet, focus on the mutual benefits of your relationship with that person when you're not in conflict, and make sure you bring that up and mention that to the other person. This is how you deescalate. And then remember to neutralize your wording there and reframe. So you're talking about the problem in terms of. Facts not feelings. Facts, not feelings. That tends to take a lot of the negative steam out of those conversations. And then again, remember those things I talked about, what not to say. Write 'em down. Okay, pressuring, ultimatums, threats... Not cool, you don't want to do that. And then think about some of those scripts that you might write that might help you kind of rehearse and calm down as you enter into the conversation. Conflict can really be hard. But the beauty of conflict and embracing it, not fun, but embracing it nonetheless, is that this is where growth moments are spectacular, beautiful growth moments. When you come out the other side of conflict, you're going to have a stronger relationship with the person you're in conflict with. If it can't get resolved, guess what? You'll feel better about yourself for having given it every effort to resolve it and do as much as depends on you what you can control. You'll feel good knowing that you did everything within your power to resolve it. And if it still didn't resolve, well, sometimes things just don't resolve and then you have to figure out another way around or different approach, or there's usually some forgiveness issues involved. Hey, before we get back to the show, would you like me to serve as your personal mediator? You know, where I help you and your spouse or your soon to be ex navigate some pretty important family law issues, deciding things about your kids, how to split up your assets, your debts... all outside the chaos of the court. How do we do that? We do it faster, way more economically and with absolute civility and confidentiality. If you want to know more, go ahead and hit that link below and you'll find out how you can connect with me and we can talk about what's most important to you and your future. Now, back to the show. Alrighty. So that's the little primer on how to have some good conversations in the midst of conflict. Hey, you heard this in the context of this mediation question of a spouse or a partner who's going through a split up. And wanting to pursue or at least explore the option of mediation instead of going into battle down at the courthouse against one another. If that's you, if you are interested in that, we've got a link here in the show notes to this great video where I go through much more. You've got the conflict piece and the conversation piece, but there's much more to it. And you also get a downloadable Word document that has those scripts in it. Also has a whole host of other resources that are very valuable in helping you get the other side to consider the saner way to split up. And that is mediation. All right, I'll see you next time for Splitting Smart.