Divorce Anxiety is Real—Here’s How to Handle It #55

Hey friends, let’s talk about something that keeps so many people up at night: divorce anxiety. 

If you’re in the middle of a divorce or a custody battle, you know how easy it is to get stuck in a cycle of worry. The “what ifs” never stop, and before you know it, you’re running on empty—exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed. 

But here’s the thing: Worrying won’t change the outcome. What will make a difference is learning how to focus on what you can control. In this episode, I’m sharing a simple, powerful strategy (inspired by Stephen Covey’s circles of control) to help you shift your mindset, lower your stress, and start making decisions from a place of clarity instead of fear. 

Here’s what we’re diving into: 

• Why divorce makes you feel like your brain is stuck in overdrive (and how to calm the chaos) 
• Are you stressing over things you can’t change? Learn to spot the difference between what’s in your control and what’s not 
• Break the worry cycle—a simple shift that stops anxiety from running your life 
• Mediation or court battle? How to know what’s right for your situation (and avoid unnecessary stress and money drains) 
• Taking your power back—how to stop feeling like a victim and start making smart moves for your future 

If you’re tired of losing sleep over your divorce, hit play now—this episode is packed with real, practical ways to help you breathe easier and move forward. 

Hosted by Kelly A. Bennett, Esq., a family law attorney and mediator with over 30 years in the family law trenches. 

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NEED SOME ENCOURAGMENT? Kelly wrote a book just for YOU:
Victim Is Not Your Name: Remembering Your True Identity In the Midst of Life Challenges

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Struggling to bring up mediation with your ex? I have a resource that gives you easy scripts, smart tips, and a quick video to help you start the conversation.

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Transcript

Hey friends, today we're talking about how you can get out of the worry zone. You know, a lot of our clients contact us in the midst of their divorce proceedings or their custody disputes. And they say, I can't sleep, I'm miserable, I can't stop worrying about this issue. And it's super, super common. But if you've ever laid awake at night and then tried to go to work and tried to do your daily life the next day and make good decisions and stay clear minded, man, you know it's rough.

Some people are natural born worriers and other people not so much. For those people who don't worry as much as you might be worrying and having anxiety from it, what's the difference? Well, I want to share a little trick, if you will, or, way to combat that. And it comes right out of my book, Victim Is Not Your Name, and this is a technique that we, quite frankly, talk a lot to our clients about because it is that helpful. And that is knowing what zone you're staying in when you're worrying and what zone you want to focus on in order to get you out of that zone. He's passed away now, but long time author, motivational speaker, productivity coach, Stephen Covey, wrote on this whole idea of circles of control and influence.

And I'm going to put up on the screen my own version of that, that we've got in Victim Is Not Your Name, where we talk about how to overcome victim habits. And what this is all about is, I've called it different lanes to stay in. And so you're going to see something on the screen in a moment that looks like a target with several circles.

 And we call this staying in the right lane, or getting in the right lane. So I want you to take just a moment pause this, maybe, and think for a second about things that you happen to be worrying about. What, what you're currently, presently worrying about. And if you're not worrying about anything, that's awesome. 

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I want you to think back to something that you recently worried about. 

Now, you got that worry in your mind? Let me ask you something. How much of the thing you were worrying about were you able to 100 percent control? That situation. How much control did you have over it? Let me ask it another way. The thing you were worrying about so much, how much influence did you have over that thing you were worried about?

Being able to influence a change in it, the outcome related to it, how much direct influence did you have over it? I'm gonna bet you're answering me saying, Kelly, I don't have any control over that thing. I have no influence over that changing that or the outcome related to it. 

Somebody may answer me differently in one of these years, but I've never had anyone tell me, yep, that thing I could directly control or I have heavy influence over. So look at the the empowerment zones that I'm putting up on the screen here. What I want you to see is in the very center is the smallest circle and what it says is this is the zone where you have 100 percent control over the thing, the outcome, whatever it is.

For example you probably have 100 percent control over what you decide to eat next when you're at home on a Saturday, you've got a refrigerator full of food. and you're, you know, enjoying a movie or whatever, and you want to eat. There's nobody blocking you from the refrigerator and you're hungry. You have a hundred percent control over what you choose to eat, right?

If you think about the things in life that we have a hundred percent control over, there are very few things. That's why that circle is so small in the middle of the diagram. And as we go out to the next circle, those are things that we have not a hundred percent control over, but we have some serious influence over.

Things that we can do quite a bit to influence the outcome. Now what might that be? I like to give the example of, perhaps you've got a 16 or 17 year old child at home. And they've started driving and they love the independence but they're driving your car. Now you can't exert 100 percent control and sometimes not really much control at all over what they do when they pull away from the house in the car and they go to the movie theater or the mall or wherever it is they tell you they're going.

You don't have control over where they ultimately go in that moment. However, if you find out that your child has sped away and gotten a speeding ticket or didn't go where they said they were, they were going to go, didn't bring the car back on time, brought it back with some dents in it or no gas in it, whatever the issue is, you still have the ability to exert quite a bit of influence over that outcome.

By what? Taking away the keys, right? So you don't have 100 percent control over your child in that moment, but you have a heck of a lot of influence. Now, let's go back to the chart, okay? So, those first two lanes, the 100 percent control lane, is our fast lane. And that's where I want to get you, alright? The next circle that we just talked about, heavy influence, I call that the accelerator lane.

You get in there and you're going to accelerate yourself to a better outcome. The next outer circle, it's the second largest one, is where we have minimal influence over the outcome. Sometimes, and I call that the slow lane I like to describe this, an example might be voting. A lot of times people feel like they don't have any control or any influence at all and they just don't vote, I don't believe that's true.

. If you think about it, in the United States there's a gazillion of us voting, and so we don't have exact, direct, heavy influence over the outcome of an election. We have minimal influence. It may be in the way we talk to our friends. If we carry a lot of clout with our friends and they value our opinions, there's some influence there.

Those kinds of activities are definitely minimal influence in, and we're in the slow lane. So if we spend all our time there doing those things with the expectation that we are going to call an election or predict the outcome and get the result that we want in a particular election, we probably got some waking up to do, right?

And then that bigger outer circle that you see there on the chart is where we have zero control. and zero influence. And that lane is the closed lane. There ain't nothing happening in the closed lane, right? So this is where you are worrying about something that you have no control over, none whatsoever, and absolutely zero influence over.

Now, have a look at the chart and think back to the things that you've been worrying about. What circle would that worry be in? Would it be in the inner circle, the fast lane where you have 100 percent control over the thing you're worrying about? Probably not. Or the next circle out, which is the accelerator lane, where you have heavy influence over it, even though you don't have 100 percent control?

Probably not. Let me guess, you are in either the slow lane or the closed lane. We call these empowerment and disempowerment zones. You'll see it right there on the chart. Those outer two lanes are disempowerment zones. Think of how you feel when you're worrying about those things that you have no influence over or super minimal influence over and no control.

How do you feel? Do you feel powerful? Do you feel strong? You feel hopeful? Heck no. You feel down. It feels hopeless. It feels anxiety ridden. Your mind is spinning. That's because there is no ability to control those outcomes. So, one of the best ways that we have found, and Stephen Covey was right, is that if we can redirect our focus when we start feeling the anxiety, the fear, the worry over what you're going through in the moment, and a divorce is a big one, there's a lot of moving parts there, and you're concerned about your future.

So if you're finding yourself worrying and staying up at night, what I want you to do is tell yourself, okay, time out. What zone am I in? What does this worry about? Can I do anything about it? If the answer is no, then you're going to have to refocus yourself to saying, this is the situation, what can I do about the situation?

What things can I actually control? Or what things can I heavily influence? Okay? And those are the things that I want you to, I mean, if you're, seriously, if you're up in the night worrying about this, get out a pen and paper. Hey, you're awake anyway, you might as well do it. And write down what you can do.

And don't tell me there's nothing you can do. I guarantee you that when you helicopter up and look at the bigger situation, think about the things that you can control and that you can directly influence the outcome. And I want you to focus on those. The rest, what do we choose to do? Well, there's the let go and let God thing, which is a big thing, I would tell you.

There's some things you just surrender to and know that you're going to be okay because we're going to be over here focusing on what we can do, right? So learning the practice of letting go of those things that you have no control over and no influence over is your best route to success. And then when you wake up in the morning and you look at the list of things that you can do, you're going to feel so much better.

And then I want you to prioritize those lists and start in on the things you can do. Now, what does it look like in a divorce where maybe you think, well, Kelly, I can't, I don't know how to go to court and get orders or I have no idea how to talk to the other side and get a settlement. Well, think about this , that second zone, which is the accelerator lane where you have heavily heavy influence that comes through bringing in the right advocates or facilitators.

So I happen to be in the area of law, where I'm one of those facilitators. I'm either a facilitator as a mediator that helps you take charge and do something about the problem and try to work something out, right? As a mediator, that's what I do. I sit down with you and the other party and I say, okay, here's the goal. And here's how we're going to work through this. And I, I get everybody talking in a productive manner and in a controlled environment. So in that sense, when you hire a mediator you are exerting some direct influence over the outcome. If you have a completely unreasonable other half that is not interested in settlement, will not settle the case for whatever reason, and you need to go to court, that's also what an attorney is for, right?

And so they become your influencer. 

Alright, so enough on this. I just wanted to bring this to your attention and help you refocus if you happen to be in this place. And if you're not I guarantee you, you have a family member or a friend who is. Share this information. It's so vital and it is absolutely game changing.

And if you want more on it, you can get it right out of this book, Victim Is Not Your Name. I know you'll find it helpful. There's more on that. And may you focus on the empowerment zones so you can really get on with your life and feel good about where you're going. And I'll see you next time on the Splitting Smart Podcast.